I’ve never been one for new year’s resolutions – at least not beyond my yearly goal of reading fifty books.
This year, I guess you could say I’ve made some resolutions, but I don’t look at it that way. I look at it as settling into my life, the way it’s supposed to be. I’m starting with a six-week writing class at Richard Hugo House (I took a poetry class two years ago, and will now be taking a class entitled “Discover Stories We Never Knew Were Ours”) as well as training for and running a 10k (or at least going to the gym more often). A friend and I are going to continue our weekly cooking nights, and I hope to look into photography or music classes once my writing class is finished. There are so many things I’ve wanted to learn or do, and there’s no reason not to.
But most importantly, after 2009 aka The Worst Year Of My Life, I’ve realized I can create my own reality. So much of 2009 – and so much of why 2009 was terrible – involved reacting to other people. I let too many people and too many situations “live rent-free in my head,” so to speak. I’d like to believe I’m stronger than that now, and I’d like to start being a little more assertive, a little more honest.
There are conversations I’d rather not have. There are things I’m not yet ready to admit. There are situations I wish were different. But it’s up to me to deal with that – I can be truthful, I can be open, I can stand up for myself in a way I never quite learned how to.
And so, for starters: I will stop saying I’m not worthy of love. Deep down, I don’t even believe that, I just fear it. It’s not that I’m not deserving of love, it’s that the people who hurt me weren’t the right people. I am amazing, someday I will be radiant, and I deserve all the love in my life and then some. I will stop making myself out to be an idiot, and I will stop using dyscalculia and a lack of knowledge as an excuse. So what if I’m poor at reading illustrated instructions or figuring out spatial things? So what if I’ve never learned how to change a tire or wiper blades? I need to learn to ask for help and knowledge without feeling the need to tell everyone how stupid and incapable I am first – so that they don’t “feel bad for thinking it behind my back.” I will stop letting other people and outside situations control my feelings.
2010 looks, from here, like it has a lot of potential to be amazing. I just have to remember that I have a lot more control over that than I previously thought.