blogging is hard

I feel like all I ever want to write about is how hard writing is. But seriously! BLOGGING IS HARD. I feel like I don’t do anything worth writing about. And when I think that maybe I do have something to say, I wonder who would even care. And there, I think, lies the problem. Everyone who talks about blogging says their favorite part is “the people.” And that’s the part I’m lacking. I don’t have some amazing blog following, but more than that, I don’t have relationships with other bloggers. I could never go to a blogger meetup. I don’t have gchat buddies from across the country. I don’t have any of that. And I don’t know how to get it.

I’ve never known how to make friends. As a kid, I was taught that the way to make new friends is to say, “Hi! My name is Krys. What’s your name?” I was a shy kid and that always felt way too awkward for me. In first grade, I had two friends. Darcy was already on the track to being cool, and she spent recess playing soccer. Completely uncoordinated and unathletic, I couldn’t join in. Amanda would hang out with me, but one day, she was the last kid allowed on the giant teeter-totter and I spent the recess alone sitting against the wall, something normally reserved for punishment. I had NO idea how to befried anyone else. In second grade, I moved to a new school, and it must’ve been the new-kid phenomenon, but I suddenly had a group of friends.

Until I moved to Seattle at age twelve, I had a huge, wonderful group of friends and never had to work at it. Then I moved here, and so began the rest of my life of having friends, not having friends, having friends, not having them, and so on. Any friend I’ve made has been by coincidence – a classmate, a roommate from Craigslist, a coworker. When I think about the possibility of all my friends moving away, I honestly have NO idea how I would make new ones. I don’t know how to make friends in real life, and I don’t know how to make friends on the internet. I don’t know how to “get involved” or “put myself out there.” I don’t know what to talk to people about, how to comment on posts, how to build relationships. I’m that awkward shy kid who sits in the corner, picking up on everything and knowing EVERYTHING about you, while you have no idea what my name is, let alone anything about who I am. I want to keep up with this blog, but it’s hard when I know no one is reading it. And it’s hard to work on that when I don’t know how to make friends. Life is hard, people. Someone teach me the internet. And social skills.

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