results

On March 30, 2010, I received a positive result for the BRCA2 gene mutation.

I knew the result would be positive. I’ve known since I first found out my chances were 50% either way. On a few different occasions, my dad pushed me to get testing. I said I was waiting until I was closer to 25, and he said, “Why wait? Wouldn’t it be great to know the results are negative?” and I reacted as though he was insane. Negative, really? Even then, I couldn’t even fathom it.

The night before I got my results, I looked up pictures of (quite unattractive) breast reconstructions online and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. And I thought, “What if it does come back negative?” And it was the strangest thing – the idea didn’t fill me with relief, partially because I knew it wouldn’t be true, and partially because… I don’t know. I’m not the kind of person who gets “feelings,” but I had the strongest feeling that, whether I like it or not, this is exactly what is meant to happen. That although I may wish it had turned out differently, this is how my life is. And that maybe, I am meant to do something with this. I don’t know what yet, and I don’t know how, and I know I have a lot to wrap my head around first, but there may be a reason for all this. Someday.

Right now, though, I’m struggling. I’ve yet to connect with anyone in the same situation. None of my friends understand, although my close friends have been hearing me talk about BRCA for the past four years and know where I’m coming from. My parents are clearly concerned I’m going to go off the deep end. I feel like all the hopes I had for my life are now dead and gone, like the person I was doesn’t exist anymore, and like my life as I know it is over.

I don’t know what to do with this new life yet. I don’t know what to make of it, or where to go from here. Right now, as melodramatic as it sounds, getting out of bed and having a functional day is about the best I can do.

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2 thoughts on “results

  1. Hey,

    I found your blog via your page on the BRCA Umbrella. I saw your recent post there saying you are newly BRCA2+.

    It can be scary and overwhelming when you first find out for sure. The good news is that you ARE aware and even though surveillance can be scary, you are at least being checked.

    I’ve had a PBM, I’m BRCA2+, I’m a bit older than you though, I’m 37 now, I was 35 when I had it done.

    I too looked at all the scary pictures online, most of whom were cancer sufferers, and was horrified. I couldn’t find any photo’s of women like us who had done it for prevention. I was very scared, although I knew surgery was the way for me as I’d already had my family.

    Since that time, the BRCA Umbrella was formed by a fiend of mine, and then BRCA Sisterhood on facebook by another friend. There are lots of ladies in both of those groups who would only be too willing to show you that some of the surgery results are pretty amazing.

    I’m happy to chat if you want to, lisaroy22@aol.com, or have a look at my blog http://lisaschoice.blogspot.com ,I started it so that people like yourself following behind me might be a little more informed and a little less scared of the future x

    Lisa

  2. Hi Krystin! So glad you found my blog. I totally get what you mean about talking to friends about all this stuff. My friends (and my boyfriend, for that matter) are trying to be as supportive and understanding as they can, but I’ve really had trouble talking to them about it… they just don’t quite understand what I’m going through, and I also don’t want to bring everyone down by talking about cancer a lot, you know?

    Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you can email me any time if you have questions, or just want to rant/get out feelings about all this, ok? Probably the best advice I can give you right now is just give yourself some time to let the news sink in before you feel like you have to start making decisions or taking action. If you haven’t already, I would also really recommend reading “Positive Results” by Joi Morris and Ora Gordon – it has so much valuable information, and really made me feel more able to take control of my personal health.

    Take care, Ann

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