No, really. I want so much out of blogging. SO much. I want an excuse to write, a way to practice writing so someday I can write something more than a blog no one reads. I want to connect with people: other twenty-somethings, other military girlfriends/wives (it’s weird that I think of myself that way now), other BRCA+ women. I want interaction & the knowledge that someone out there is reading what I’m writing & hearing what I’m saying.
But the thing is? I don’t know how. I don’t know how to just “jump in.” Like everything else in my life, it’s scary, and I’m all too easily paralyzed by fear. Rather than try and fail, I just… don’t try. As always.
I don’t know how else to be, though. Every time I try to jump in and comment on someone’s blog, I feel like little more than a creeper. Who do I think I am, to be weighing in on this person’s personal thoughts (that, yes, they’re sharing with the entirety of the internet…) when they don’t know me from Adam? Who am I do think my input matters, or that I have anything to say worth reading?
There are so many bloggers I admire & wish I could befriend, but how do you do that? We aren’t in first grade anymore; “hi, let’s be friends!” doesn’t cut it. Every day that I read these blogs without saying anything I feel creepier & creepier, but what do you say? How to do bridge that gap?
I used to be good at this. Back in the days of my super secret LiveJournal and, before that, various diary hosting sites, it was a lot easier. People stumbled upon my high-school ramblings and wanted to read more, and at one point I had over 200 people listing me as a friend on LiveJournal. It seems a lot harder now, somehow.
It’s like there’s some invisible barrier to me making friends, both online and off. I don’t know how to break it down or get through it or climb over it.
I know I should just jump in – that’s what everyone says and how every else lives. But I can’t, because I’m too scared, still. At twenty-five years old I’m still learning to just stick my toes in, and most of the time it’s not getting any easier.
Be my friend?