The past month or so has been filled with more uncertainty than I would wish on anyone. I’m surprised I haven’t given myself an ulcer yet, honestly.
Last Thursday was a terrible day, one that didn’t affect me directly but was still up there on my list of Worst Days Ever. I have a lot of things to think about and a lot of decisions to make, and it’s all so, so hard without having a clear idea of what the future holds (I know, I know – if we all had crystal balls everything would be easier).
One of the most challenging things for me is when I’ve set my mind and made a decision, and someone else tries to change my mind. I second-guess everything I do, so for someone to actively try and make me do something differently… it sets my anxiety into super-high gear. And I never know what is the right decision, and every decision I make usually ends up wrong, anyway.
Sometimes, living without faith is hard. I’m not religious and while I won’t say I “don’t believe in God,” I can’t actively say I’m a strong believer, either. I don’t believe “everything happens for a reason” or that everything works out in the end. I want to believe that things will be okay as long as I keep moving forward, keep doing what I at least believe is right for me (and have reasons to back it up), and live with strength and intelligence and love… but a lot of times, it’s hard to believe much of anything.