The past month or so has been filled with more uncertainty than I would wish on anyone. I’m surprised I haven’t given myself an ulcer yet, honestly.

Last Thursday was a terrible day, one that didn’t affect me directly but was still up there on my list of Worst Days Ever. I have a lot of things to think about and a lot of decisions to make, and it’s all so, so hard without having a clear idea of what the future holds (I know, I know – if we all had crystal balls everything would be easier).

One of the most challenging things for me is when I’ve set my mind and made a decision, and someone else tries to change my mind. I second-guess everything I do, so for someone to actively try and make me do something differently… it sets my anxiety into super-high gear. And I never know what is the right decision, and every decision I make usually ends up wrong, anyway.

Sometimes, living without faith is hard. I’m not religious and while I won’t say I “don’t believe in God,” I can’t actively say I’m a strong believer, either. I don’t believe “everything happens for a reason” or that everything works out in the end. I want to believe that things will be okay as long as I keep moving forward, keep doing what I at least believe is right for me (and have reasons to back it up), and live with strength and intelligence and love… but a lot of times, it’s hard to believe much of anything.

4 thoughts on “emo.

  1. Hey!

    I thought I would mention that I believe in God and profess to be a Christian but I don’t believe “everything happens for a reason” or that everything works out in the end. If that was true, my mother would never have died of breast cancer…she was a Christian too.

    I think people need to be more realistic about life and just because I am a Christian, doesn’t mean I am going to be spared all kinds of shit…because if you have read my blog lately, life is hell for me right now.

    I guess you might be wondering what keeps me motivated staying on the Christian path…lol…or believe what I believe. I dunno…it’s hard to say.

    Probably with little things like people leaving me comments just when I need them, knowing that family is praying for me and seeing those prayers answered in really cool ways. Sometimes God just speaks to my heart and it is so settle but I just know that it is from Him and it is real. And yes, sometimes this freaks me out, but mostly it just gives me peace and calm.

    I will admit that it is all hard to see the God stuff right now while I am suffering so much, but I hope when I come out of it on the other end, I will be able to see that he was there and carrying me the whole way…which is totally hard to see right now…and sometimes I think he has forgotten about me.

    Anyways, this is my church if you want to check it out. You can actually go to church from home on your computer. Every sermon is video-taped and you can watch them right on the website. You can pick and chose what you are interested in, and btw, the pastor, Bruxy Cavey, is hilarious and totally with the times.



    I love our mentality: Are you tired of religion but still interested in spirituality? Are you cynical about institutional approaches to God while still being open to exploring your faith? Welcome to The Meeting House—a church for people who aren’t into church. We’d love for you to join us as we explore issues of importance in a decidedly irreligious way.

    Boo for religion…and yay God! Lol. Feel free to check him out…or not. And my apologies if I have offended you with sharing. I don’t usually share unless someone else brings it up…and, well, you did…and I hope you can find some comfort.

    From one emo to another. Lol!


    • Oh, I’m definitely not offended at all! I actually really appreciate when people take the time to share their beliefs with me – as long as the person isn’t telling me “I’M right and you’re WRONG!” or anything like that. 🙂

      Everything you said makes a lot of sense, and I’ll definitely check out the websites you left me! The mentality sounds pretty interesting and I’ll let you know what I think after I poke around the website/videos a bit. Thanks again for sharing. 🙂

  2. I just found your blog. As a fellow cancer survivor, my thoughts and prayers are with you.
    Also…Great Blog! You are a credit to the cancer blogging community. I have added you to my blogroll, “Cancer Blogs Lists” with over 1000 other personal cancer blogs at http://www.beingcancer.net, a cancer networking site featuring a cancer book club, guest blogs, cancer resources, reviews and more.
    If you have not visited before or recently, please stop by. If you agree that the site is a worthwhile resource for those affected by cancer, please consider adding Being Cancer Network to your own blogroll.
    Now that you are listed, you can expect to gain a wider audience for your thoughts and experiences. Being Cancer Network is a place to share and communicate.

    Take care, Dennis (beingcancer@att.net)

    • Hi Dennis! Thank you for the compliments. 🙂 In the interest of full disclosure, I do want to clarify that I’m not a cancer survivor – in fact I’m what is known as a “previvor,” someone with a genetic mutation (in my case, BRCA2) making me very likely to get cancer (with BRCA2, it’s around an 87% chance of getting breast cancer in one’s lifetime). I’m taking a LOT of steps to avoid cancer and have a lot of cancer in my family history.

      I’ll definitely check out your site; in fact I may even know some people I can share it with right away!

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