I have this huge fear of rejection. Not rejection in the way you’d think – even when I was single, I wasn’t the kind of girl constantly worrying will this guy like me?! because I know I’m the sort of girl guys really, really like at first – it’s only later that they realize I’m crazy and run away screaming. That’s also beside the point, because the rejection I’m referring to is this completely mundane, stupid thing that probably really translates to a fear of being told “no” about anything.
For example, a week or so ago, I had a girlfriend over to watch The Bachelor. I thought to myself, “Hmm, a glass of wine would be nice,” and because I always have wine on hand, I considered saying, “Hey, want some wine?” But then I realized she might say no. I’d asked if she’d like anything to drink and she already said no, so it isn’t as though she wanted wine. She’d probably think me insane. After all, who drinks wine on a Monday night?! It gets to a point where I literally can’t open my mouth and form the words, so I didn’t even try. And, sadly, I had no wine that evening.
I got my hair cut a few days ago. I’d really been looking forward to it. Since my amazing haircut in December 2009, I’ve been obsessed with regular haircuts. Never again will I go a year between cuts; I’m not quite an every-six-weeks kind of girl, either, but every few months I start to get antsy and when I’ve given up even trying to style my hair, I know it’s time for a cut. I prefer a lot of fun layers and a particular length, but my layers had grown out and my hair is a few inches longer than that point. However, when I went to my appointment on Friday (with a new stylist/salon that had been highly recommended to me), she asked what I wanted. I mentioned cleaning up the layers, and she commented on my hair’s length. Apparently, she really likes it and thinks it looks great. Never mind that I was going to say “cut a couple inches off” and never mind that I had pictures on my phone to show the specifics. I figured that even if I tried, she’d – like all the hair stylists I’ve had in the past – tell me she really likes it longer, that I should keep it that way, that she really doesn’t want to cut any more off than what’s necessary. So my layers are cleaned up and my bangs are trimmed but you can barely tell I’ve had a haircut, and it was expensive, and I really freaking need to learn to SPEAK UP. Had I done that, I would’ve had what I wanted and gotten on with my life.
I don’t know what my deal is, but I’ve been like this my entire life. I remember when I was a pre-teen (I guess “tween” is the word nowadays?), I hated to call my friends and invite them to come over because I hated hearing them say no. It was embarrassing to me, and I guess I never grew out of it. I still hate inviting people to do something because I’m so fearful they’ll turn me down. I hate suggesting a restaurant to try or a movie to see because I hate the idea that the other person will hate it and it’ll be my fault for dragging them there. I have this problem with M. a lot. He’ll want me to decide where to go – because he wants to go somewhere that will make me happy – and I refuse to pick because I don’t want him to say “Why would I want pizza? I just had it for lunch,” or “No, I don’t really feel like Thai.” It embarrasses me and makes me feel stupid for even suggesting such a thing.
What it comes down to is that I feel like someone’s rejection of a place or an idea or a suggestion is actually a rejection of me. I don’t really know how to fix it or why I am this way to begin with. I guess it’s good that I’m realizing it more and more, which is a great first step… but I don’t really know what the second step is, here.
Is anyone else like this? Am I totally crazy? And more importantly, how do I fix it?