decisions, decisions

coin [mainiacworld]

I saw this image posted over at It’s Like I’m… Mmmagic yesterday, and it really resonated.

I’m THE WORST at making decisions. Always have been. I’ve always hated it – the gut-wrenching wonder of “Am I making the wrong choice? What if I screw it up? What if I regret something? What if, what if, what if?” has always been too much for me to handle well. Most of my most-anxious moments in life have revolved around a big decision – or a small one that I somehow made huge. I’m one of the few people who thinks having two great job offers is a bad thing: decisions need to be made, and I’ve never been able to figure out how you now what the right choice is.

Regretting something is one of my fears in life. I don’t know how to live with regret, because it isn’t like you can go back and change it. All you can do is move forward, and one wrong choice could render you unable to ever get back on that path again. I wish I believed that everything happens for a reason, and while I may slowly be getting to a mindset in which that belief is possible, I’m not there yet.

But lately? It’s like something has shifted, and I don’t know how or when or why, but I’m glad. I still get the same anxiety leading up to a decision, but the past few months have actually shown me that I have some sort of intuition. For years I thought that I would never know what’s right or wrong, that I was lacking this “gut feeling” everyone talks about.

In the past six months or so, I’ve had a lot of decisions to make. They’ve been fairly small, to be sure, but just big enough to cause a lot of stress. And eventually I realized that I do know what I want. The anxiety isn’t because I don’t know the right choice for me; the anxiety comes from knowing what I want right now, but not knowing if it’s the right thing for me long-term. And that’s okay, because if I’m happy now, I’m confident can do what it takes to be happy in the future. In the past few months, I’ve forced myself to make a lot of these small decisions, and every single time I’ve been proven right: I did, indeed, do the right thing for me at this exact time. I haven’t regretted a single one of them, and the relief I felt after finally making the choice was so incredible that I can’t see how I could possibly have made the other choice.

I used to think every choice I’d made had been the wrong one. Some of them didn’t work out so great, others did in the long run, and whatever happened in the past, I’m here now. Life is too short to live in the heart-pounding moments before just making a decision, and I am finally on my way to realizing that.

I don’t flip a coin to figure my things out. I don’t need to, really, because when I weigh my options, I pay attention to how I’m feeling. Deep down, I’ve always known the right decisions for me. Learning to listen to that is a process, but I’m getting there. Finally.

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