The night before a mammogram or MRI is always a little end-of-the-world for me. Nights like these remind me of the night before getting my BRCA test results; everything is potentially the last time.
While I could go to the appointment tomorrow and leave knowing I have nothing to worry about, tonight could also be the last night of normalcy. I could have had my last meal before finding cancer. I could sleep in my bed the last time believing I’m cancer-free. Is it the last chance I’ll have to watch completely mindless television without cancer looming over my head? I don’t know – and when you come this close to knowing (one way or another), you realize how much fear you carry over the unknown.
I know thinking like this isn’t healthy, and to be honest, the thoughts are fleeting. They aren’t consuming me the way they did before my test results. But the thoughts are there. I will never know what it’s like to be middle-aged and get routine mammograms. It will never be a check-up, “just to be safe.” This surveillance is always going to be terrifying, but the only thing I can do is pretend I am as strong as all of the other amazing women who are also in my shoes. The only thing I can do is just get on with it and get it over with, crossing my fingers as hard as I can.