sad.

I lost my job today.

I’ve lost jobs before, but those times were different. The first time I was laid off from a temp job because I was leaving to study abroad in a month and they wanted to bring someone on full-time. It sucked and I cried but I called the temp agency and made them find me something else, then I spent three weeks making and delivering gift baskets for their client and getting paid the same as the office job I’d had. Perfect.

The next time was a contract job; I knew it was coming because work had all but disappeared and rumors were flying (in that regard, this time is the same). I’d started job hunting anyway, so the day I was laid off I received another offer and it was – well, I would say “it was fine” except the new job was the worst thing ever and it made me want to be unemployed every day. Anyway, I had a job and stayed ten months until I found a new one.

That I loved.

And lost today.

I get severance for awhile. Hopefully long enough to find a new job.

But it’s like a breakup. While you know you’ll find another person to be with, you know it will never be 100% the same, and for awhile that’s the worst thing in the world. You will find someone, but it will never be that someone, so there’s a mourning period.

And right now? Aside from the stress of job hunting and being unemployed, it just hurts. I spent almost two and a half years of my life at this job, with these people, in this life. It was the first time I felt like people really liked me, accepted me, wanted to be around me, in a way I never had before. That might be sad. The people I worked with were my family in a way only coworkers you love could be.

Right now I don’t know how to be anything other than sad. I don’t know what my next move is going to be and I’m scared I’ll be one of those people who end up being unemployed for years and years, but right now I’m not even worried. I’m just sad. Really, deeply, brick-in-my-stomach sad.

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