one of those days

I’m starting to get really anxious about BRCA stuff again. I know it’s because I need to schedule an MRI for February, and while I can avoid thinking about this crap most of the time, I always start getting nervous around an appointment. That’s when the questions pop up – what if they find something? What if I have cancer?

I need to do something. Like… surgery something. There’s a lot holding me back, though, including the fact that I obviously just started my new job. I can’t exactly take a ton of time off, nor am I ready to tell them I’m a crazy genetic mutant. My grand plan is to have the surgery in January so I can maximize my annual out-of-pocket maximum and so I’ll be able to wear cute summer clothes if Seattle actually gets summer that year. However, next January might be tough because my boyfriend will either still be deployed or will have just returned – sort of an awkward time to have a surgery like this.

And then there’s the issue of my mom. For some reason I feel like I need to have her enthusiastic approval before I undergo surgery, but she doesn’t think I should do it so young. It isn’t as though she would stop me, but I don’t want someone – especially my mom, who has been through all of this – thinking I’m making the wrong decision.

Let’s not forget all the worries about my future kids and being unable to breastfeed them and blah blah blah. None of this is new whatsoever, it just comes in waves and rears its ugly head every six months.

I just need to make a plan, stick with it, and deal with the consequences. Consequences are probably better than cancer.


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