I went to the breast doctor this morning for the clinical breast exam I get every six months.
And because I didn’t already have enough to worry about with this upcoming deployment, guess what? They found a suspicious lump they want to check out further.
They told me to come back for an ultrasound, then go to my already-scheduled MRI in March, then come back ANOTHER time for a follow-up about the results. That wasn’t going to work for me (I prefer to actually, you know, go to my job every day and not constantly miss work). After some hardcore scheduling efforts, they got everything scheduled for March 1st. I have a mammogram, an ultrasound, my MRI, and then a meeting later in the day to go over the results. I’m nervous about taking a whole day off work so soon, but I guess that’s better than a ton of half-days.
So now I wait. I asked how much I should freak out and the resident said probably not much. She actually said the words “We just discussed it and do we think it’s cancer? No,” but she added they can’t say it’s totally normal so it’s better to get checked. Better safe than sorry. I know this, and I know deep down that it’s probably nothing – but the uncertainty is killing me.
I was sad, at first, in a way I hadn’t been since I received my BRCA test results. And then I had a weird moment of clarity. If I have cancer, then… I have cancer. And that’s that; ‘ll deal with it. It’ll suck, but I probably won’t die. I may not even need chemo if I opt for immediate surgery; you never know (and that’s what Christina Applegate did and she’s BRCA+).
I’m pretty freaked out, but I’m mostly okay. I feel like life will go on and things will be fine either way they turn out. I’ve never been an optimist so I’m not really sure where that’s coming from, but I think I’ll go with it.
(The one silver lining in this? I told my mother that if things come out normal, I’m going to start looking into surgery because I can’t go through this over and over. She said I might as well get it over with. Knowing she thinks it’s a good idea is incredibly helpful and now I just need to figure out a game plan.)