certain songs they get so scratched into our souls

Day 5: Sunday, March 18, 2012

Prompt: What is one massively impossible dream you’ve always had?
—–

I don’t understand people who don’t like music. I can understand not enjoying certain types of music, but not liking it at all? I can’t relate.

It wasn’t until fifth grade – ten years old – that I really fell in love with it. I don’t remember when it started, but I remember days of closing the door to my bedroom and just listening to the radio. Jewel. Alanis. Natalie Merchant. Third Eye Blind. Presidents of the United States of America. Celine Dion. My tastes were a bit electic.

I was in sixth grade when I was chosen for a solo part in our holiday musical. I can still remember the line – hear the mariachis, don the big sombrero. Seven lines but I was so excited, even though I knew the sparsity meant I just wasn’t that great of a singer.

Eventually, I realized I would give a lot to be able to sing. I’ve never been able to explain it, the way certain songs make me feel. The way my heart swells with a certain line, the way certain voices are comforting or haunting. The way some songs bring me right back to a memory and some are more calming than any Xanax.

It isn’t just a mental thing, either. While I’m not the most physically coordinated person in the world, I’ve often wished I could dance. To be able to move that way, to be a physical manifestation of the music, seems like something so amazing to me.

I’m never going to have a record deal. I’m probably never going to know how to play the guitar and it’s been years since I was able to read music. I’m never going to have a singing voice; when I sing, it just sounds like me, singing. I’m never going to dance in front of people.

Instead I’m going to seek out all the music I can. I’m going to sing in my car and alone in my apartment and pretend it sounds good. And I’ll pretend that zumba is the same as being able to really dance.

But really? What I wouldn’t give to actually have some of that talent myself.

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