now & then i think of all the times you screwed me over;

It occurred to me today that I’m going to be angry about a lot of things, and unfortunately there’s nothing I can do about it. I mean, I can accept my lot in life and do my best to move through it and be positive, but there’s nothing that will really change the core, fundamental believe that I’ve been screwed over.

I met with another surgeon today; I’ve been thinking a lot more seriously about surgery, about doing it this fall or winter. This particular surgeon is the one who did my mother’s reconstruction and one whom, according to the internet, does the one-step procedure I was hoping for.

Too bad homeboy totally shattered my dreams. He gave me a couple options, both of which he would be most comfortable with and most confident in.

1. Have a mastectomy. Leave it and be flat for WEEKS. Have tissue expanders put in and go through the tissue expansion process (basically, hard, turtle-shell like “implants” that they expand over 3 months and then swap out for a real implant). Keep nipples.

2. Get rid of nipples, but have expanders put in right away and go through expansion process – then go through nipple re-creation process which I feel like always looks terrible anyway.

Those are about as far from my “get everything done at once” dream as you can get. Losing my nipples? Being totally boobless for weeks? No thank you. He said that if I did my research and truly wanted a one-step or the normal expander process (but nipple-sparing), he would do it – but that I needed to be aware of the heightened risk of complications. I get it. He’s being cautious and wants the results to be as good as possible… but there’s a lot of in-between stuff in there I don’t think surgeons think about.

They think about the end result, how perfect their handiwork is. They – especially those that are male – probably aren’t thinking about the utter devastation of waking up with nothing. Or missing days and weeks and months of work. Or just not being yourself for such a long time because of all of this crap.

And then, as is wont to happen, I came across something about how it’s terrible to offer free formula to new mothers because breastfeeding is the only way to go and formula is the devil or whatever. And I know. I get it. Breastfeeding is the ideal choice. But am I going to really have to feel awful for the rest of my life because a genetic mutation caused me to remove my breasts and not breastfeed? Am I going to feel guilty and angry about it forever? Probably, at least until I can let it go.

I’m angry that these are my choices – remove my body parts or wait and pray I never get cancer even though my risk is 90%. I’m quite pissed, frankly. It’s not fair (and the little voice in my head says “but life’s not fair, suck it up”). It’s not something you just deal with and get over, and there will probably be repurcussions I’ll deal with my entire life.

It’s probably making me a strong person and all of that warm fuzzy crap. But sometimes? I just want to be pissed off and annoyed. Today is one of those days. Hopefully, I won’t have another for awhile.

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7 thoughts on “now & then i think of all the times you screwed me over;

  1. Hi K, Haven’t commented in a while but I’ve been reading along. Just wanted to chime in and say DO NOT COMPROMISE. Get the surgery and recon YOU want. Even if it means you need to travel (my doc in Chicago has done hundreds of these surgeries, and there are well known docs in NY that women all over the world go to see.). You can have the result you want. You just need to be proactive to make it happen. After all, isn’t being proactive what this is all about?? Email anytime.

    • Thank you. This made me feel a lot better – I don’t WANT to compromise but I feel like people will think I’m ridiculous for making such a big deal about it or something. Then again, it’s a procedure I’m CHOOSING to do, so I should be able to do it the way that’s right for me. I definitely may be going to NY, but there are logistical issues (where to stay, who can come with me for that long, etc.)… but I’m seriously considering it.

  2. Amen to the other posters. Also — pish posh on the breastfeeding thing. I get it, it’s great and wonderful and akin to puppies frolicking in meadows and fairies sliding down rainbows, etc. But it’s a little like the “everyone-should-bike-to-work” argument: sometimes, it’s just NOT a possibility. Don’t feel guilty — do what you can do, do what’s right for you, and tell everyone else to go keep crunching their granola. (Also, I like granola. And am fairly crunchy and environmental myself. So if I’M fed up with it, it’s GOT to be obnoxious. 😉 )

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