It occurred to me today that I’m going to be angry about a lot of things, and unfortunately there’s nothing I can do about it. I mean, I can accept my lot in life and do my best to move through it and be positive, but there’s nothing that will really change the core, fundamental believe that I’ve been screwed over.
I met with another surgeon today; I’ve been thinking a lot more seriously about surgery, about doing it this fall or winter. This particular surgeon is the one who did my mother’s reconstruction and one whom, according to the internet, does the one-step procedure I was hoping for.
Too bad homeboy totally shattered my dreams. He gave me a couple options, both of which he would be most comfortable with and most confident in.
1. Have a mastectomy. Leave it and be flat for WEEKS. Have tissue expanders put in and go through the tissue expansion process (basically, hard, turtle-shell like “implants” that they expand over 3 months and then swap out for a real implant). Keep nipples.
2. Get rid of nipples, but have expanders put in right away and go through expansion process – then go through nipple re-creation process which I feel like always looks terrible anyway.
Those are about as far from my “get everything done at once” dream as you can get. Losing my nipples? Being totally boobless for weeks? No thank you. He said that if I did my research and truly wanted a one-step or the normal expander process (but nipple-sparing), he would do it – but that I needed to be aware of the heightened risk of complications. I get it. He’s being cautious and wants the results to be as good as possible… but there’s a lot of in-between stuff in there I don’t think surgeons think about.
They think about the end result, how perfect their handiwork is. They – especially those that are male – probably aren’t thinking about the utter devastation of waking up with nothing. Or missing days and weeks and months of work. Or just not being yourself for such a long time because of all of this crap.
And then, as is wont to happen, I came across something about how it’s terrible to offer free formula to new mothers because breastfeeding is the only way to go and formula is the devil or whatever. And I know. I get it. Breastfeeding is the ideal choice. But am I going to really have to feel awful for the rest of my life because a genetic mutation caused me to remove my breasts and not breastfeed? Am I going to feel guilty and angry about it forever? Probably, at least until I can let it go.
I’m angry that these are my choices – remove my body parts or wait and pray I never get cancer even though my risk is 90%. I’m quite pissed, frankly. It’s not fair (and the little voice in my head says “but life’s not fair, suck it up”). It’s not something you just deal with and get over, and there will probably be repurcussions I’ll deal with my entire life.
It’s probably making me a strong person and all of that warm fuzzy crap. But sometimes? I just want to be pissed off and annoyed. Today is one of those days. Hopefully, I won’t have another for awhile.