It’s been an interesting few days. I had this depressing entry all written up in my head about my recent surgeon drama, but the moment has passed. Suffice it to say, I had found a surgeon I really liked. Then someone I know told me they had no positive feedback about this surgeon whatsoever and I freaked out. Ultimately, it seems to boil down to little more than a personality difference and the surgeon is probably totally fine. Nonetheless, it’s caused me to think a lot about how I want to proceed and what the hell I’m doing with all of this.
I have, however, started telling people in my life about BRCA and my surgery plans. It’s not that it’s ever been a secret; I just wasn’t wont to bring it up out of the blue. Most of my coworkers know now and good lord it’s a relief to not feel as though I need to sneak away for phone calls or try and hide my plans. And the best part is that no one thinks I’m crazy. Most people have said “That’s exactly what I would do” or told me they think I’m awesome for making such a proactive decision.
I went to a local reconstruction group where I was the lone young person among a group of older women who already had cancer. I felt a little awkward admitting that no, I don’t have cancer, I’m just doing this so I can avoid it – but they all told me how great it is that I’m taking this step, how smart and brave I am. I don’t really think of myself as such, as I don’t really think of this as a “choice” – I feel like it’s what I have to do because the alternative is unacceptable to me. I still like hearing it, though.
More than likely, I will end up using the surgeon here. I don’t want to travel; I don’t want to spend the money and I don’t want to be away from home.
It’s sort of a crap-shoot either way – how do you ever know you’re making the right decision? How do you know there is One Right Decision anyway? You don’t. You just have to go with what seems like the best option for you at this point in your life. God knows I’ve spent a lot of time learning that, so I may as well put that knowledge to some use.