c25k day 1

I’ve always wanted to be a runner. I remember middle school, positively HATING Fridays when we had to run “the mile.” It seemed like death, running a WHOLE MILE. I was always one of the last to finish, and I always walked most of it. But I also remember, underneath all of that, wishing I could love it. I remember wishing I could just run through the stress of whatever stupid middle school drama I’d dealt with that day (like the entire science class gathering around to make fun of me – story for another day). I knew, somehow, that running was something I was meant to love… I just had to get there.

That was over ten years ago, and did I ever pick up running? Of course not. I’ve tried, a few times, but it’s never stuck. I’ve had boyfriends agree to start start running with me, I’ve had friends plan a running regimen that ended in little more than a walk to the store. I could go an hour on the elliptical machine, but running made me feel like I was on the verge of death.

Until today. I decided a few months ago to try a Couch to 5k program. I printed off instructions and carried them in my purse for months. I threw them away. When 2010 rolled around, amidst a number of changes in my life, I decided to give it a go – for real.

Today was day one. 5 minute walk to warm up. 60 minutes of jogging. 90 minutes of running. Repeat for twenty minutes. Never once did I get that “I’m going to die RIGHT NOW” feeling. Never once did I walk when I should’ve been running.

And after my twenty minutes of alternation were up? I decided to walk five more minutes, to cool down. I ended up running more… because I wanted to.

It’s not much, but it’s a start, and I’m pretty damn pleased with myself. And I look forward to a couple months from now, when I can report that I’ve run a 5k. And that I liked it.

three years ago

Three years ago, the day before I was to move to Rome for three months, my then-boyfriend broke up with me for being too crazy. I spent the day sobbing hysterically to my parents, in the car, at my best friend’s birthday dinner (which will forever be known as “Remember that birthday party?  Yeah, the one where I cried!”), and trying to decide if I should give up on going to Rome. I was terrified – scared I wouldn’t be able to function without him in my life, scared that my sadness would be compounded by being away from family and friends, scared, as usual, of everything.

That night, my best friend came over (thankfully, she still liked me after I cried at her party). We went on a milkshake run to Jack in the Box, where we were pretty much put on lockdown, thanks to some crazy fools in the parking lot with knives and guns (or something – I actually can’t remember what went down exactly, only that it was creepy and the JITB employees advised us not to leave, and then there were cops). We spent the evening laughing with my parents, and around midnight, I called the then-boyfriend and he said he’d made a mistake.

I took him back, which, in retrospect, was not the smartest idea (I mean, come on, we broke up for good five months later). I went to bed late and woke up early, and on January 7th I started the rest of my life.

Looking back, I realize I learned a lot that day. I learned that sometimes you really do need to let go. I learned that family and friends – and milkshakes, maybe minus drug deals/shankings – can cure most things. And maybe most importantly, I learned that you just have to get on with your life. That sometimes that next step is really, really hard to take, and all you want is to curl up in a safe place with people you love, but once you take it? Things get more amazing than you could ever imagine.

So here’s to January 6, 2007, the day I prepared to embark on the biggest, scariest, most life-changing adventure of my life (thus far).

but it hasn’t taken years

photo courtesy of bogdansuditu

The Uses of Sorrow; Mary Oliver

Someone I loved once gave me
a box full of darkness.

It took me years to understand
that this, too, was a gift.

I’ve never been one for new year’s resolutions – at least not beyond my yearly goal of reading fifty books.

This year, I guess you could say I’ve made some resolutions, but I don’t look at it that way. I look at it as settling into my life, the way it’s supposed to be. I’m starting with a six-week writing class at Richard Hugo House (I took a poetry class two years ago, and will now be taking a class entitled “Discover Stories We Never Knew Were Ours”) as well as training for and running a 10k (or at least going to the gym more often). A friend and I are going to continue our weekly cooking nights, and I hope to look into photography or music classes once my writing class is finished. There are so many things I’ve wanted to learn or do, and there’s no reason not to.

But most importantly, after 2009 aka The Worst Year Of My Life, I’ve realized I can create my own reality. So much of 2009 – and so much of why 2009 was terrible – involved reacting to other people. I let too many people and too many situations “live rent-free in my head,” so to speak. I’d like to believe I’m stronger than that now, and I’d like to start being a little more assertive, a little more honest.

There are conversations I’d rather not have. There are things I’m not yet ready to admit. There are situations I wish were different. But it’s up to me to deal with that – I can be truthful, I can be open, I can stand up for myself in a way I never quite learned how to.

And so, for starters: I will stop saying I’m not worthy of love. Deep down, I don’t even believe that, I just fear it. It’s not that I’m not deserving of love, it’s that the people who hurt me weren’t the right people. I am amazing, someday I will be radiant, and I deserve all the love in my life and then some. I will stop making myself out to be an idiot, and I will stop using dyscalculia and a lack of knowledge as an excuse. So what if I’m poor at reading illustrated instructions or figuring out spatial things? So what if I’ve never learned how to change a tire or wiper blades? I need to learn to ask for help and knowledge without feeling the need to tell everyone how stupid and incapable I am first – so that they don’t “feel bad for thinking it behind my back.” I will stop letting other people and outside situations control my feelings.

2010 looks, from here, like it has a lot of potential to be amazing. I just have to remember that I have a lot more control over that than I previously thought.

peace out, 2009!

Maybe “real” bloggers don’t post New Year’s memes on their blogs, but I’m obsessed with looking back, and I’m equally obsessed with the fact that I’m FINALLY saying goodbye to this ridiculous year. So here you go!

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
Bought a smart phone.  Got a giant raise. Went camping. Had my car broken into. Ran speed dating events! Other things I don’t feel like throwing out into the entire internet.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I suppose a couple of them were kept. I read 50 books, at least.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Actually, I don’t think anyone I know gave birth at all.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No and I’m very thankful for that.

5. What countries did you visit?
Canada.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you didn’t have in 2009?
More love, more happiness, more strength. Stability.

7. What date(s) from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
June 24th, hands down. I’ve always been overdramatic, and I’ve never taken breakups easily, but the night G broke up with me was legitimately one of the worst nights of my life (I also admit my life has been pretty lucky if the worst night ever was just a breakup). On a happier note, September 8th was the day I started my current job.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Finally leaving the worst job ever. Surviving The Breakup, and not acting like a crazy person throughout it (I mean, at least not the kind of crazy person who calls & texts & begs incessantly!).

9. What was your biggest failure?
Letting everything affect me as much as it did. I was a mess most of the year. I wish I’d been able to handle things better. Also, repeatedly screwing up my car.

10. Did you suffer any illness or injury?
I swear I’m getting RSI or carpal tunnel.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My new TV (32″ flat screen, finally something from this decade!), my phone (Palm Pre). The body work on my car.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Everyone in my life is pretty amazing, really. I have a few friends who put up with a lot of my crazy, and that definitely means they get props.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My car insurance company’s.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Rent, insurance, food. Car repairs.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Quitting the hell job. Planning my (possible) December 2010 trip to Rome. 

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
I have an entire 2009 playlist on iTunes, but among them are:
Baker Lake – Sera Cahoone
Skinny Love – Bon Iver
Do It Again – Nada Surf
Elements – A Fine Frenzy
Slow Show, Baby We’ll Be Fine, and Lucky You – The National (pretty much any National song is going to forever scream 2009)
On Call – Kings of Leon
Blue Lips – Regina Spektor
Half Mine – Geri X
Carry Me Ohio – Sun Kil Moon
Boston – The Dresden Dolls
Cosmic Love – Florence & the Machine

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder?: After being sadder for most of the year, finally happier.
ii. thinner or fatter?: fatter but okay with that.
iii. richer or poorer?: richer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Writing. Blogging. Drinking. Taking pictures. Staying in touch.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Obsessively applying to jobs. Crying. Stressing. Missing people.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
With my parents, brothers, and dog, as per usual.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
I wouldn’t say that, exactly.

22. How many one-night stands?
Ha.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
Gossip Girl, probably. And Brothers & Sisters.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Oh, do I ever! Threatening to “cut my neck” is not a good way to make me like you.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
For most of 2008 I was incredibly bored and tired of music, and I’m SO glad that changed. Greatest discoveries? The National. Nada Surf. Bon Iver. Florence and the Machine. Band of Horses. A Fine Frenzy (sort of a re-discovery). Chris Garneau. Lykke Li. Sun Kil Moon. Mike Hale. So much amazingness.

26. What did you want and get?
A grown-up apartment not in a basement. A new job – and exactly the kind of job I wanted. A new TV and new phone.

27. What did you want and not get?
To get back what I’d lost. Also, a healthier social life/a group of friends. An adventure. A cat.

28. What were your favorite films of this year?
Nothing really stuck with me.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 24. I had a joint party with G’s roommate and a couple of his friends a couple weeks before my birthday. Of all the people there, I think about four or five were actually there for me. I didn’t cry. On my actual birthday, G took me to dinner and then gave me presents, and then I fell asleep on the couch. Life of the party!

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
The ability to be strong and happy no matter what the situation.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
I wish I had a “personal fashion concept,” but I’m terribly boring. Someone please take me shopping?

32. What kept you sane?
The idea that if I got through this much, I can get through whatever else.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
No one.

34. Who did you miss?
A better question might be who didn’t I miss.

35. Who was the best new person you met?
I don’t know if I can pick just one. 

36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009:
I am so much stronger than I think I am. Sometimes all you can do is keep moving; there’s just no other option. You just have to trust that you can get through things, because there is nothing else you can do. Sometimes, in order to get what you need, you have to ask for it. It’s okay to reach out and admit you need people. I also learned that it’s okay to trust myself, that I do usually know what I want and can make appropriate choices for myself.

37. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
maybe this weight was a gift, like I had to see what I could lift (Nada Surf – Do It Again). Always. Sometimes I think remembering this was all that got me through.

2009 Resolutions:
Read 50 books
Write more.
Don’t fail at my job. Don’t fail at my life.
Figure out WTF I actually want to be doing with my life.
Make myself believe that there are good things in the world.
Maintain friendships that matter, let the rest slide.

2010 Resolutions:
Write more.
Run more.
Read 50 books (again).
BE EFFING HAPPY.

“Behind me is infinite power. Before me is endless possibility. Around me is boundless opportunity. Why should I fear?” – Stella Stuart

[photo courtesy of megwills]

That is how I want to go into 2010.

four

I have never in my life missed something as much as I miss Italy. And it’s not just the big, life-changing things; it’s everything. It’s the little restaurant we’d stop into between classes, with the waiter whose name we knew and the paninis with cheese and marinara and slimy spinach (okay, we removed that part). It’s the coffee shop near our school building, the one that has now been completely redone but sold Twix bars at the cash register and doled out packets of Dietor in place of the Splenda I use in the US. It’s the nights in Trastevere (too few of them) and the Cheap Bar. It’s French fries (!) at the Irish pub, it’s old ladies getting angry on the bus, it’s the exhaustion after a good weekend trip. It’s our amazing apartment with the crazy landlady and the switch that “turned off the hot water.”

There were bad sides, like the time I almost flew home early because I just could not take it anymore. There was the day I skipped the trip to the Pantheon to sit on the laundry room floor, phone attached to the only outlet that worked, and fight with my (then) boyfriend. There was the disastrous final class trip, where a few of us holed ourselves up in a closet-sized room, chugging boxed wine because we probably would just have cried otherwise. The end, where A and I brought our (then) boyfriends on our spring break to Paris and Barcelona and the four of us had group fights late at night in bars, over fries.

I miss walking through the streets and running into Roman ruins. I miss staring into the cat sanctuary. I fell in love with the Forum and with the Palatine Hill. I fell in love with everything.

Nothing in my life, not a person, not a piece of literature, not a song, nothing, has ever made me feel the way I do about that city, that country. And maybe it’s silly; I get teased sometimes for being the perfect example of this. But the experience? The friendships we forged while we lived together, drank together, almost fell out of gondolas together? Even if it fades, it isn’t ever going to go away. The people who watched me cry, listened to me stress out, ran away from pigeons with me, and removed my facepaint when I nearly killed myself with absinthe (gag) are such an important part of my existence.

In a few months, it’ll be three years since I embarked on that journey. I had no idea that, this many years later, I’d miss it this much. In fact, I cried through the whole trip because it wasn’t “the quintissential study-abroad experience” and it wasn’t completely life altering.

Turns out it was. It was completely, absolutely life-changing, and one of the best things I could’ve done for myself. And one of the only things I know I want for the rest of my life is to have more experiences like this. I can’t imagine a world without them. I just have so much love for all of it.

three

It’s hard to write a blog post every day when all you do is work and come home, too tired to move, let alone form a coherant thought.

two

I absolutely despise the fact that it now gets dark by 5:00. I hate leaving work in the dark. I hate feeling like it’s time for bed when it’s only 6 p.m.

It’s 8 right now and I keep thinking about how late it must be, how I’d better get to bed.

How many days until summer comes back?

one

Hello, November.

Today would have been my grandpa’s eighty-fourth birthday.

Today, I am insured again because the insurance from my new job has finally kicked in.

Today I gained an hour of sleep and began the horror of watching the sky darken at 4:00 in the afternoon.

And of course, today is also the first day of my little blogging-for-a-month-straight challenge.

Here we go!